Can I have a refund, please?

Most days, I'm pretty happy with my decision not to attend law school.

Today is one of those days.

Who's up for a swim?

The Wayne Swamp is open for business.

Standing to applaud Denise Richards

Yes, it's ridiculous that I post sporadically at best.  But I felt obligated to some in and give another public shout out to Denise Richards.  Not my favorite Bond girl, but by far my favorite Hollywood mother.

Denise has once again stepped in to take care of Charlie Sheen's twins.  Their mother seems to have disappeared or something.  Thank God that they have a mature responsible person in their lives to take care of them.

I'm not a Denise Richards lover, but I respect the woman for stepping in to a bad situation and helping where she can.

I don't know WTF is wrong with people, WRT the Boston Marathon.  Seriously, W. T. F.

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go...

Yesterday was Career Day at Batman's school. I signed up to speak and totally rocked it, which is to say that I wasn't booed and heckled. There were three sessions, but I only had enough students interested in order to do two sessions. Obvs, the kids did NOT know how awesome I - and therefore my career - am. 

The kids got to sign up for their sessions, and the other options were zoo keeper (bringing a ferret and alligator), Realtor (handed out large American flags), math teacher (I was more popular than the math teacher), helicopter pilot, coast guard, and martial arts instructor. Imagine my surprise when my kid walked into the second session. He was completely surprised that I was there. I didn't say anything, because I didn't want him to feel guilty if he didn't sign up for my session, and I didn't want to be a distraction and for him to be all fidgety in the other sessions. 

My lovely minion created a poster board of Congress, its chambers, and the White House and she wrote a mock bill about creating a national flavor of ice cream. Different kids got to be my client, Members of Congress and the Senate, and the President. One of the counselors emailed me today to tell me that two kids stopped in to tell her this morning that they wanted to be lobbyists, but one might want to be the President instead.

My kid wants to be a helicopter pilot, but maybe a lobbyist when he retires from the Air Force if he decides he doesn't want to be a professional karate guy.  I didn't have the heart to tell him that there is only one Chuck Norris.

He wishes he were a little bit taller, wishes he were a baller...

Ordinarily, I would be more than a bit miffed that my frenemy, Kim Jong-un, invited Dennis Rodman to visit him in North Korea and not me.



However, I'm busy recovering from my recent stay at hospital with Her Royal Highness - we've had a nasty stomach virus.  And just as I'm running for Pope...  I think it's a conspiracy to keep the Church from having an American Pope.

But, inquiring minds want to know, how big of a box do you think Kim is standing on in the above photo? Rodman's official height (per Wikipedia) is 6'7".

A Shout Out

My friend Alison started a blog to write all about her love of running.  Why are we friends, you ask?  In all honestly, I don't know.  

• She runs. I run after my kids and/or if someone is chasing me.  
• She's a Mizzou fan. I married into the Cult of the Jayhawk.  
• She gets to buy adorable girl clothes and I'm stuck in boy town. (She does have one boy, but he's outnumbered by his sisters.)  

Despite all this, I like her.

If you want to cyber stalk Alison, here's the link:  Http://Runthatbooty.blogspot.com

I plan to follow along from the safety and comfort of my couch.  Probably with a cookie in hand.

Sequestration

Please note:

When sequestration takes effect, the mini-industry known as Wayne Manor will be forced to make furloughs.  The following will be laid off:

- Nelly and her crew of three.
- Rolando and his assistant
- The hardscaping crew will not be retained for our $40,000 project.
- Solange will be cut back to 4 days per week.

While these cuts are not huge on a national scale, I have to think that Nelly, Rolando, Solange, the landscapers and the people they employ will think otherwise.

VD

Robin was home sick on Friday. We were cuddled on the couch watching tv when a jewelry commercial came on. He asked me if I liked a ring and I said yes, it’s so pretty. 


He said if he has enough money in his allowance he would buy it. I asked if it would be a Valentine’s Day present for me. He said no, for Kristina. I said, Kristina!?! Why not mommy? He said that she was the best girl in his class.

Great. Four years old and he's already tossing me to the side for some cute girl.

Happy VD, bitches!

Another thing I don't care about:

Lipsyncgate - who cares?

Facts:
Beyonce is a much better singer than I am.  I think she has proven time and again that she has some serious pipes.
Beyonce is no Ashlee Simpson.  While they both may have overbearing show business fathers, mothers who think they are fashion designers, sisters who had children out of wedlock, and hail from Texas, one is a serious singer and the other is, um, Ashlee.


I just don't understand how or why this is a scandal.  If Kelly Clarkson played a recording of Beyonce singing and attempted to pass it off as her own voice, THAT would be a scandal.  So, listen up CNN, this is NOT breaking news.  Move on.

Nice knowing you

Very sad to learn that ABC has cancelled "Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23".  Smart, funny, sarcastic show.  I've loved Kristin Ritter since her "Veronica Mars" days (sob...moment of silence for VM.  One of the best shows ever...) and the girl has a bright future ahead of her.  James Van Der Beek as an alternate version of himself was genius.  I never knew he had it in him.

I hope ABC decides to burn off the 8 un-shown episides over the summer.

Joys of home ownership

The latest tabulation for the money pit that is Wayne Manor is $4,000 to repair the chimney.  The masonry is cracked and leaning away from the house.  Yea!!

What does it say about Eddie Cibrian when both the ex wife and the current wife are crazy?

Eh, I don't really care.

Asshat

Obvs, Sheryl Crow dodged a huge bullet.  I wonder when, exactly, she found out what a huge douche Lance Armstrong was.

Busy work

Robin and I got a stomach virus so we stayed home from school/work on Thursday and Friday.  Thursday was fine, but by Friday I had emptied my bag of tricks.  I was too weak/tired/sick to entertain him, and he wasn't sick enough to lay on the couch and watch tv with me.

Out of desperation for something to occupy the kid, I gave him a bucket, a scraper, and a sponge and let him go crazy in the master bathroom.  He stayed busy stripping wallpaper for THREE HOURS.  Three hours, people!!!! He worked for two hours, had lunch and rest time, then asked if he could get back to work.  Um, sure kid.  Knock yourself out.  Sure, the bathroom had standing water and was a mess, but the kid was stripping wallpaper.  I could rent this kid out!

Batman and I helped Robin finish the job on Sunday.  We were proud of ourselves, but Tommy Lee Jones was not impressed with our lack of attention to detail.

Angie's my bitch

After years of ignoring Angie pitch her list to me over and over and over again, I took the plunge and plunked down my credit card shortly before we closed on Wayne Manor.  My favorite discovery about AL is the Deals & Buy Now tab.  It's like Groupons for stuff I actually need.  Very excited about that.  I have had the garage door repaired, gotten two hours of electrician labor, and have arranged to have the gutters cleaned.  I even *gulp* made the plunge into sorting through multiple landscape firms to search for someone to replace rotten retaining walls, fix the deck, and alter drainage in the backyard (did you know that was called "hardscaping"?  I didn't.)

Oh, Wayne Manor, you are the ultimate 1970's groovy money pit.

My Laugh for Today:

THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY

Written by Anna. 

http://hahasforhoohas.com/the-fart-that-almost-altered-my-destiny/

Joys of home ownership

The most recent discovery in Wayne Manor is the mold in a basement wall.  I found it while conducting a lead paint test.  So yea!  We passed the lead test.  Boo!  We discovered mold.

Yesterday's estimate to mitigate and repair: $1800.

Thankfully, we are so rich that we had it tucked away in our couch cushions.  Yeah, right.

I love Mean Girls!

http://meangirlsofcapitolhill.tumblr.com/

Happy New Year!

We survived the holidays in the new house.  I spent my day yesterday stripping the wallpaper from the master bathroom.  (By "spent the day" I mean I spent at least an hour on it before I got side tracked by other things.)

Bathroom before:

There is no "after" picture yet.  I hope to have it finished sometime this year.

WTF is wrong with people?

“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ” ― Elizabeth Stone

Never is this more true than when news breaks of a shooting at an elementary school.  We can't take our kids to a movie or a shopping mall, or send them off to high school, but one would think an elementary school would be safe for our children.  

No details have emerged yet, just that there was a shooting and that there is possibly a child fatality.

Simultaneous emotions of relief that it's not Batman's school, fear for those parents, tears for the children.  

This is NOT RIGHT.  Not right at all.

I will never accuse her of being my favorite Bond girl (she's not) - or even a great actress (she's not) - but I think Denise Richards is one stand up classy lady.  You haters will say what you will about her breaking up Heather Locklear's marriage to Richie Sambora (you know you were thinking it), but very few people would take in their ex-husband's twins while their mom is in rehab, especially a single mother of three.  Yes, I'm sure there is help to be hired, child support to receive, etc, but that's still one big hearted gesture.

Today's margarita goes to Denise Richards:

Jango Fett must die!

Mace Windu is a badass, and not just because he is played by Samuel L. Jackson. More importantly, Windu killed Jango Fett.  I wish I could kill Jango Fett - not the intergalactic bounty hunter, but the stupid fucking elf that I have to move every single freakin' night.

Gah.

I hate that damn thing.  My kids named him two years ago as Batman was just discovering Star Wars.  Jango Fett Elf?  Really?  I get that he's evil, but I would have named him Darth Sideous or something more fitting.

Mark my words, he will strangle us all in his sleep.

Little busy, what with carrying two houses and all.  But here's something that made my work day: