Noted at Subway

1) Yes, that is one hell of a combover.

2) Yes, it was hard for me not to rip it off his head.  Or say something.  Especially when he brushed his hair over.

Losing Face

• In an effort to get off my ass and exercise, have some fun, and continue to study something I enjoy, I enrolled in a tap class through the county rec program.  It has been two kids, one career, and 20+ years since my last class but tap was always something I had fun doing and figured what the heck.  It was an excuse to buy new shoes.
  
  You know the scene from "Center Stage" where Jody takes a class she's never been to before and picks it up in two minutes and makes everyone else look bad?
  
  
  
  
  Yeah, that didn't happen.
  
  I was going to sign up for Tap Technique, but my friend, let's call her "Sandy" because that is her name, said that if I signed up for Tap 2, she would take it with me.  The description of Tap Technique clearly stated, "For beginners with no tap experience."  Tap 2 was for those with prior tap experience.  Ok.  My tap is really rusty and I wasn't great in the first place, but I would have a friend to giggle with.
  
  Of course, Sandy couldn't make it this week so I was on my own.
  
  I walked in and was greeted with a terse, "Are you Jillian?"
  
  "Yes, I'm Jill."
  
  "Jillian, why did you enroll in this class?  Where have you studied?  When?  Under whom?  You should not have enrolled in Tap 2, you should be in Tap Technique." Being greeted with a grilling did not bode well for the rest of the night.  I was further informed that because I did not learn her technique, I need to re-learn tap from the beginning.
  
  The other students in the class were very nice and welcoming, mostly women in their 60s that have been doing this together for five or so years. Very tight knit group except for one woman there my age, who, coincidentally, has a daughter in Batman's class.
  
  Tap 2 was not an accurate description.  Tap 47 might have been better.  Those old bitches could tap!  I did my best to keep up, but I did not do the steps the way that they did the steps and now I have to go to the beginner class this weekend. The assistant told me that I will probably be the most advanced in the class and that I should be in the 7pm class because I can always learn.
  
  I have brought shame and dishonor to my family by being demoted to beginner  class.
  
  

So, I almost lost a kid this weekend.

I was going to run our carpet cleaner over to a friends house and planned to take Robin. When we got outside, he threw a fit that he didn't like his shirt. It was a huge deal and he refused to walk to the car so I brought him back in the house, went down to the basement and told The Spouse I was leaving Robin at home.

When I pulled up to my friends house, The Spouse called to tell me that three people just returned Robin. The Spouse went upstairs to check on Robin, found the front door open, and saw Robin walking up the steps with three strangers.  He was found down at the busy intersection, looking for his mommy. The Spouse had no idea he was gone. None. 

In answer The Spouse's question, "Well, no, I didn't see him leave the house or chase after me."  Because I'm a totally neglectful dumbass of a mother who would do that?  Of course, The Spouse didn't ask the people which side of the road he was on, what he was doing, how long he was there, where all the people together or were they strangers to each other united in returning our child?  

Thank God for good people in the world.  Thank God that he wasn't abducted, or didn't wander out into the street.  

JT + JH = BFFs 4eva (but where does that leave JB?)

Rumor has it that Justin Timberlake finally proposed to Jessica Biel.  I suppose I should be happy for them and wish them the best of luck.  They are, after all, genetically gifted (if you're into the whole eugenics movement). 

She was devoted to him for years and put up with all the rumors about his infidelity (where there's smoke, there's fire.  See: Ashton Kutcher).  In my humble opinion, she came off as a little doormat-y.  I was proud of her for climbing the mountain and doing other things on her own during their break  (why, yes, I do subscribe to US Weekly). I was very leery when it was reported in the media that the two of them had gotten back together.  And now they are (allegedly) engaged.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not a JT hater, not by a long shot.  The man is incredibly talented and I think he would be fun to hang out with.  I would totally do my side-step-white-girl-no-rythym shuffle when we hit the clubs together, I'd join him in a duet of "Dick in a Box" and I'd even pick up the tab at the end of the night.  JT and JH would be BFFs 4eva!  Everything I have read about him makes him seem as if he is a straight up down to earth guy.  But I don't think the man is ready to settle down, certainly not with someone he's dated for that long and taken for granted.

Anyhoo, we don't run in the same circles so I don't have to feel weird about declining an invitation to the wedding. 

I came into work today with a clear picture of what I needed to do and how I wanted it to look.  After four hours, I'm actually further from that goal than I was at 9am.  So frustrating!  How does this happen?  It's almost a Rick Perry moment, except that I still have the info in my brain, I just can't seem to get it down on paper correctly.

All this brain power has made me hungry.  Off to Five Guys!

It's not me, it's them.

So, I didn't get the job.

"After careful consideration", North Korea decided to "go in another direction".  Apparently, I'm "not the right fit" for their country.  I have been wished "the best of luck in future endeavors."

To slap me in the face, thousands of North Koreans have declared their allegiance to Kim Jong Un.  Seriously?  His greatest leadership trait is that he looks a lot like his grandfather!!  When did that qualify someone to be a lifelong dictator?

Fine.

Whatevs.

I live on in the hearts of the peasants to whom I promised 1,000 calories a day.

Mourning in red - appropriate for a red country, no?

Taking a break from my official mourning and wailing to pop in and say hi.  Cold in Pyongyang, but luckily I received a new down coat for Christmas.  Some may feel it's inappropriate to mourn in a red coat, but those fuckers aren't going to say anything aloud unless they would like a winter vacation in a work camp.

I never received an email notification from Best Buy so I went to the store last night.  Lo and behold, they had the games.  Thanks, jerkwads!  On the other hand, it's probably for the best that they didn't arrive before Christmas.  The Dynamic Duo had way too much stuff.  Way too much.  I returned some things in the days leading up to Christmas, donated a haul to Toys for Tots, and put some aside for Easter.  And they still had too much crap.  We are so very lucky.

Gotta run, my turn to wail for the cameras! 

Happy New Year!

Dear Best Buy -

On December 13th, I placed an order for five video games to be delivered to the store for pick up.  I haven't received an email telling me they are in the store.Where are my damn games?

You better not even consider opening a store in Pyongyang if this is how you treat a world leader.

Sincerely,

Jill
Benevolent Dictator
Future Dear Leader

Mazel Tav, bitches!

Personally, I think having a bag full of candles is highly practical, especially if you are a PEPCO customer.

Career opportunity of a lifetime!

As if my holidays weren't crazy enough, Kim Jong Il died.  Longtime readers know that the Dear Leader was a dedicated fan of mine.  We dictators have to stick together, since there are so few of us left after the Arab Spring. 

His death also means that I have to get my resume polished since I am sure to be called to interview for the opening.  Kim Jong Un seems like a nice kid, but let's be frank: I am more experienced (ask any of my former interns) and would be a better choice.  I would also let my people eat, which would make me extremely popular.  And I would license "Friends" to be shown on the Korean television channel - and maybe even bring in HBO...I'd need something to watch in the palace.  But let's not get carried away.  I'll start out by letting people eat 1,000 calories a day.  I'm already beloved.

Jill for Supreme Leader

#gladimnottheonlyone

I have no time this week, sorry fans.  But I did stumble across this and could have written it, since it expresses my feeling on the whole elf thing, so if you want to read something funny and original, check this out:

People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Over Acheiving Elf on the Shelf Mommies.

I can never remember to move the damn elf!

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition!

I seem to be in working mother holiday hell.  Work and the family come first, obvs, but on top of all that, we are bombared with the holiday season. 

Magazines and Oprah (and the Oprah magazine!) can preach all they want about how we need to cut back and enjoy the holidays.  Ok, but where?  What do we cut?  And how?  I've cut everything back to bare bones.  Laundry and groceries are musts so CPS doesn't drag the children away.  The dogs enjoy being fed and poop has to be cleaned up at least annually.  I triage the crap that has to be done and now I'm supposed to add in the holidays?!? 

Every evening after work this week has been spent shopping, making cookies, cleaning up the mess, doing laundry.  I kid you not, I've been to a store every night this week (different stores for different things/errands) and still had to bake into the wee hours, rotate laundry in between batches, and wipe shit off the dogs' paws because Leo had to poop on the steps when the weather turns cold. (Gwenyth is smirking because she does all this in a single morning and still has time for pilates after she bakes her macrobiotic cookies.)  I'm doing it this week because next week is a killer at work and I know I will be too stressed and exhausted to deal with it then.

No one expects me to be superwoman, least of all me.  I want to make sure that my children have a nice memory and that we start some wonderful traditions.  I want to enjoy the spirit of the season.  I want to drink by the glow of the tree.  I want to do the cookie exchange because I need that time with my friends to chat and unwind and reconnect.  I will do all of this, even if it kills me - which it just might.

And if it doesn't get done, fuck it.  The kids can go to therapy later.

Looking good, Louis!

I'm covering a hearing, and it's going to be a record for the longest hearing I've ever covered.  Started at 9:30 this morning and just called up the third panel of witnesses at 4:50 pm. 

Mostly posting because before I got this job, the only thing I knew about commodities was what I learned from Trading Places.  Apparently, I'm not the only one.  There is an "Eddie Murphy Rule" in Dodd-Frank.  Billy Ray Valentine lives on.

ETA: The hearing gaveled to and end just after 6pm.  My personal record for longest hearing.  Woot!

We're Vikings, it's an occupational hazard.

I was going to write a post about what a motherfucking shitty commute I had this morning, thanks to rain, bumper to bumper traffic, and a "low air pressure" light while stuck dead in the middle of said traffic.  However, after parking on the side of the 395, inspecting the tires in steady beating rain while wearing a dress and heeled boots, bitching at The Spouse's voice mail about how pissed I am with the Batmobile's tires, and conveying the level of my unhappiness at the dealership's service man, I found the perfect Christmas gift for me while waiting for a verdict:

It's called a Beardhead, and this snazzy company makes them.  How awesome is that?!?  Best of all, you can change out the mustache, in case you are in mood for a fu manchu, mario, or walrus mustache!!!  I seriously think I need one of these to walk the dogs in. 

If that doesn't float your boat, you could always buy me this:

The helmets also come in Viking and Spartan. 

I kinda think I need the Valkyrie helmet. 

I kinda think The Spouse will disagree. 

*Please note that while I have posted pics things I love, I have gotten paid exactly bupkis. However, I would marry this hat and have its babies if Beardhead decided to send me one. There, are you happy FCC?*

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

The holidays are sneaking up on us and Congress is once again giving us its annual holiday treat: a budget showdown. 

Unlike the Showcase Showdown, the budget showdown sucks.  There are no winners, and everyone looks bad in the end.  Some might ask why they don't just cut a deal and leave town.  Elementary, my dear Emma Watson: it would deprive them of the opportunity to sling mud at each other for another month.  Or they don't want to return to their home districts and have to spend time with their families -- the holidays are stressful on family relationships, after all.  (Members of Congress, they're just like US!)

I should consider it a blessing that we don't take the Dynamic Duo on the road over the holidays.  Between the stress and expense of traveling around Christmas, as well as the lack of vacation time due to sick kids, we stay put in the Batcave through the new year.  This allows me to truly celebrate the season of love and joy by working through the holidays. 

Thanks, Congress!

Here's a treat, in honor of the turkeys, lame ducks, and chickens that represent the American public:

My precious!

Apologies to my fans for not posting.  It's hard being a dictator, y'know?  Ok, you probably don't, but I've been a little nervous about being overthrown ever since the Arab Spring.  Trying to lay low for awhile and hope things blow over.  But I had to come in and post this, care of George Takei:

Just something to get you in the holiday shopping spirit!

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Sort of. Only we call him Walmart.

The Dynamic Duo decided that this year's must-have Christmas gift is the Hot Wheels Wall Tracks starter set. 

I attempted to pick one up in Target when it went on sale on Sunday but found only empty shelves and rainchecks. I tried to e-shop it, just to get it over with, only to discover that every other boy ages 5-9 wants one, too. 

Groan.

They were sold out in site after site, and going for nearly twice the MSRP on ebay and Amazon.  I finally discovered that Walmart was accepting orders and claimed to have it in stock.  I took the leap of faith, paid the MSRP (that hurt, I hate it when I don't get a bargain), and placed the order.

It just arrived.

Way to go, Walmart!  Christmas is saved (as long as those stinkers don't change their minds).

I'm just glad I'm not hunting for a Leappad.  Phew!

Sorry fans

I know my audience is checking in hourly to see if I have any exciting new updates.  Alas, I am still a member of the walking dead.  Hoping to be back among the living by Turkey Day, because it's been nearly two weeks.  My sinuses are draining, which is a step in the right direction, and the stuff coming out of my nose is fascinating and disgusting at the same time.  It wouldn't be so bad if it wouldn't leak out at work.  Or Target. 

On that note, have an appetizing Thanksgiving!

Only you can stop the zombie apocalypse

I got my flu shot a couple weeks ago, but neglected to get the creeping crud shot.  My sore throat on Thursday added sniffles and fever on Friday.  By Saturday, I was in full zombie mode, shuffling aimlessly and trying to eat brains.  Urgent Care diagnosed a sinus infection and bronchitis on top of the walking dead virus.  The Spouse, bless him, did not retreat to the Winchester with a cricket bat, but rather let me veg on the moaning couch with my cozy pants and have a man cold.

I have been sick for an entire week now, but finally feel like maybe I'm starting to kick it.  Maybe. 

Thankful

Today I am thankful for antibiotics.  Last week, I had a "mom cold" that advanced to a "man cold" that advanced to a sinus infection/bronchitis thing.  I missed a day off with my dad, snuggling with a newborn baby, dinner  with good friends, and a gorgeous three day weekend.  I'm pretty pissed about it.  After 24 hours on drugs, I'm back down to "mom cold" category (yes, I know the antibiotics won't treat a virus, and no, I don't plan to stop taking them just because I feel better).

I'm also thankful for modern washing machines and dryers.  The amount of laundry that we generate is unbelievable.  Laundry has had a starring role in my drugged out dreams over the past few days and night time cold meds seem to reinforce my laundry insecurity.  While I am thankful for sleep, it's been anything but restful.  Laundry nightmare, wake up coughing, different laundry nightmare, repeat.

The Spouse tells me that my hacking cough-til-I-gag is hot. 

Shopping angst

Few people love a deal more than I do, and few people experience buyer's remorse over every single thing they buy.  I research every purchase with regard to quality and price.  I comparison shop, look for coupons and promo codes, and am a dedicated ebates user.  Of course, I also fall victim to a good deal that I don't always need which begats more buyer's remorse.

This time of year is hell for me.  I have a general idea of what the kids want for Christmas, but no idea what the *big* wants are.  I'm finding good prices on things I think they'll like, but they are becoming more specific on what they do and don't want.  Mostly Batman - who looked at us Christmas morning and announced that Santa got it wrong. Robin will still gladly receive random crap, but I don't want to coast on that given the guilt I felt after his birthday when I realized he didn't get anything on his list.

I'm wondering if I should buy stuff I see now when prices seem fair, or hold off until Black Friday to see if prices get better.  But will they?  Or will I miss my chance to get Matchbox Mega Rig Shark Set and that becomes the one thing Robin has to have and I can't get it?  (I think I'm the one that wants it, not so much them. But I would have tons of fun with it at bath time.)

Crap.

Gramps

My dad arrived Saturday morning and the Superheroes are beside themselves.  They have decided instead of calling him "Grandpa" they will call him "Gramps" because it's less work.  Whatever floats your boats.  My dad is doing alright after 48 hours of small children, but I think he was relieved when we all left him alone today.

Gramps and I took the boys to Mount Vernon yesterday.  They loved it, as expected.  They always have such a wonderful time there, mostly because they can pretty much run, jump, play wherever (within reason).  In all the times we have been since we had children, we haven't taken them in the mansion.  That's ok, gives them something to look forward to. 

It was an amazing fall day.  They rolled down the hill behind the house, dug in dirt, threw rocks in the Potomac, went on a "nature walk" through the forest on the way back up the hill, and Robin had a really nasty diaper changed next to the cow pasture (had to be done ASAP and there wasn't anywhere else to do it).  The boys were filthy, hungry, and tired, so we ate lunch at the food court before we went through the museum.  I'm amazed that they enjoy it as much as they do, and that's a testment to the Ladies of Mount Vernon. 

We are now the proud holders of annual passes. My hope is that we go at least once before they expire, then they will have paid for themselves. As we were leaving, we saw a minivan with Virginia plates and a Chico State alum frame holder.  Crazy.  What are the odds?

Thankful

This is the time of year for everyone and their mother to post what they are thankful about, so I thought I would post my own list.  I am not a heartless ogre (contrary to the views of a select few) and am always thankful for my family, health, home, job, etc -that's a daily gratitude.  This is my list of those extra things that make my life awesome.

-Five Guys.  How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.  I love your well done burgers and lightly toasted buns.  I love your crisp fries.  I love your free refills on soda.  I love your cheap price.  I do not love the ten pounds I gained when I stopped breastfeeding.  The introduction of online ordering has only deepened my love for you.

-Hot water.  Good for cooking, cleaning, long showers, baths, laundry. 

-Classic automobiles.  What beauty and style!  Mobile art.  I wish cars these days  had some orginality to them.  People like The Spouse are the problem.  I asked if I could get a two tone Batmobile with white walls and was denied.  Killjoy.

-Television.  Oh, television.  You are my very best friend.  You have traveled with me on my journey across country and overseas.  The Friends I had in college were the Friends I had in Saipan and the Friends I had in DC.  You inspired my career (mwah to you, Schoolhouse Rock) and kept me company when I was sick at home (I love you, too, Bob Barker even if you are a sorta crazy vegan).

-I'm a complete bitch. {shrug} It's true, I am.  When I was growing up, I wanted to be someone that was well liked and got along with people, but that is so not in my true nature.  I have very strong opinions and share them.  I don't like certain people/things/situations and I tell them so.  People don't always like me (though, truth me told, most of those people suck).  I made peace with that part of me and now I'm grateful for it.  My bitchiness protected me from peer pressure and dangerous situations. If I felt uncomfortable doing something, I said no.  I stand up for myself and my beliefs and that is a good thing - most of the time. 

-I'm tall.  Similar to the above, when I was growing up I really wanted to be petite and cute but I was always head and shoulders above everyone - especially in middle school.  I topped out at 6' and things turned around in college.  Now, I wouldn't change it for anything (it helps that pants are now widely available in long lengths).  It's nice to be able to see over people's heads.

*

-Sarcasm.  98% of my personality is based on sarcasm, the rest is based on pop culture mixed with sarcasm.

- Toilet Paper.  In the olden days, people used to wipe their bums with corncobs.  Can you imagine heading to the out house in the dead of winter to take a dump, then having to wipe your shit with a frozen corncob?  No siree!  Thank you, Mr. Whipple, for asking us not to squeeze the Charmin.

That's it for today.  I'm thankful for my job and now that lunch break is over, time to get back to working.

*Thanks to jonskindzier

This week has been so busy, it feels like I'm working on the Hill again.  It reminds me why I love my career. 

I'm a fighter.  I'm stubborn and get angry and lose my temper.  I love it when I'm engaged in a good debate on an issue.  I love hurling grenades and having them tossed back at me.  I can so relate to Rod, "See, that's the difference between us.  You think we're fighting, I think we're finally talking."  I probably would have been a good campaigner, but I was always afraid that I wouldn't get paid.  Maybe I should be a talking head.  Hmm... must ponder.

Anyway, in conclusion, my temperment may make me a good lobbyist, but I can be hard to live with.  Thanks, honey!

My new favorite product

This K-PAK Color Therapy Restorative Styling Oil was in my Allure big box of beauty.  I was apprehensive about trying it at first - hello, it's a leave in oil - but am now a true believer!  I put a tiny amount on my hand then run through my wet hair.  My hair blows out super smooth and soft or air dries looking shiny and healthy.  Very happy with it!  Thanks Allure!

*Please note that while I have posted pics things I love, I have gotten paid exactly bupkis.  There, are you happy FCC?*