Goodbye Wallpaper!

The old adage "the right tools for the job" is indeed true.  I bought a second hand wallpaper steamer and gave it a shot on the kitchen of Wayne Manor:



There's not much to see in this bad camera phone photo, but that's the point:



The green counters and floors remain, but the wallpaper is gone.  G O N E, gone!  It took me a year to get the energy/time to do this much, so probably another year before I tackle the cabinets.

I cannot wait for the Olympics!

Yes, I'm a big nerd.  Don't care.  I love curling.

Holiday Expectations

A few years ago I had a total breakdown in the middle of my Martha Stewart Christmas.  I was trying to give my family the perfect Christmas and they lapped it up while I lost my mind. In one of my less finer moments, I screamed at The Spouse that I was sick of this shit and not going to do it anymore.

Contrary to magazine articles that say people won't miss things if you downsize your holiday, I knew that my family of assholes would gripe over the shit I wasn't doing. But I was stressed, exhausted, and OVER IT. We started a new tradition.

A couple of weeks before Christmas, everyone gets to choose one thing that they want to do - that without it, it wouldn't feel like Christmas.  This year, The Spouse wanted me to make his mom's bourbon balls, Robin wanted to help me make Christmas cookies, and Batman wanted to watch a movie.  I have two of those three crossed off my list, and just the movie to go.

Of course, that doesn't mean there isn't a house to decorate, tree to get, cards to design, address, and mail and the fucking Elf of the Shelf that is going to kill me in my sleep.  I still do everything I want to do - for me and if the family gets any seasonal joy out of it it's icing on their holiday cake.

Let the Bragging Begin!

Season’s Greetings from Wayne Manor

Dear Friends and Family – 

It’s been a year since we moved into Wayne Manor. We went from living on top of one another in the townhouse to losing each other in the big house. The first week of our move, Robin could not find the bathroom and just last month, he discovered a new room in the house – the laundry room. (Let me assure you, he will become more and more familiar with this room in the coming years.) Some parts of the new house have been truly wonderful while others have the potential to bankrupt us. 

One of the best parts of the new house has been the ability to comfortably have guests. We were blessed to have Jill’s grandmother come out from California to visit the Dynamic Duo. Jill’s dad also visited and took in Little League opening ceremonies and Batman’s first baseball game. We could not get rid of Jill’s mom who has already picked out the room for her hospice care, though, God willing, that won’t be for a very long time. The Spouse’s dad came out to visit as well, and SMIL took Jill to lunch with the First Lady while they were in town (ooh la la! Yes, we both felt very fancy that day!)

The new house has also given Jill the space to bring home junk treasures from estate and yard sales. She refinished furniture and fencing in the garage while The Spouse rolled his eyes and sort of tolerated it. She also found a childhood dream – her own Barbie Dream House! Christmas in August! Her garden was a time consuming failure, but she tells herself that it will be better next year with amended soil and better plant placement. The Spouse worked hard to maintain the pool which the adults hate and the children love. People in Northern Virginia have no business having a private pool. We tell ourselves that it will be worth it when the kids are older…if we can last that long before filling it in.

Despite Jill’s denial, the kids continue to grow. Her babies are now eight and five. Batman fell in love with baseball this year, and Robin tolerated being drug to games and practices and attended his first professional game (with seats behind home plate! Enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime chance, kid.) Robin has been decorating the new house with sharpies and chalk (on the walls and wood floors.) His great grandmother thinks he is quite the artist while his parents argue that he is just a stinker. Sally and Leo are still with us, guarding the house against Vikings and pillagers. The kids are lobbying hard for a puppy because our old dogs are no fun. Eh, puppy breath and potty training are overrated. I’ll take housebroken and boring any day.

We wish you a happy and healthy 2014!

With love,

Jill, The Spouse, Batman, and Robin (Sally and Leo, too!)

I love you, Jake Ryan

Happy Belated Birthday to my boyfriend, Michael Schoeffling.  Only you saw the swan hiding behind middle school fashion disasters, thick glasses, and braces.  I love that you are secure enough in our relationship to keep it a secret, and that you don't feel compelled to jump on couches at an Oprah taping.  You light up my life, baby.

The forest is alive with the sound of Carrie!

I suffered through The Sound of Music Live last night.  Here are my observations as tweeted/facebooked:

• Not loving the first 15 minutes. Maybe it will improve when she leaves the abbey.
• The yodeling was good, but there's no chemistry to her acting.
• Ironically, my boys are now enthralled. I'm pretty shocked. it's like watching Calliou - i don't get it but they like it.
• My kids are quiet as can be, watching and enjoying it. Batman said he really liked this show.
• On the plus side, it's wholesome. You can always leave it on and go take a bath.

All in all, I was totally underwhelmed. Pretty surprised I sat through the entire thing. Of course, I was also reading a book.

Long live Julie Andrews!

Last night I dreamed that I was making bunuelos with Colin Kaepernick. No idea what that was about, but they were tasty. 

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree...

When I was living and working in Saipan, I had a pair of smoking slippers just like this:



I had no idea they would ever come back in style.  They would have been sweet for this holiday season.  Alas, I'm sure they are in a landfill in the CNMI.

Mega Blocks Hot Wheels House Party

As I reported last week, I was selected to host a Mega Blocks Hot Wheels House Party.  If you haven't seen them, here's a picture:


If you are a five year old boy (or girl) or forty five year old man, you understand how completely insanely over-the-top awesome this toy is.  It is a HOT WHEELS that comes apart and can be rebuilt over and over and over (which comes in handy on a long holiday weekend.)

We received our box of supplies from House Party which included two tracks and eleven "Turbo Tubes" which contained a car that can be built and rebuilt in three different ways (according to the directions) and a bajillion different ways according to my five year old.



We had eleven children attend the party, so each kid got his/her own car to build and rebuild.  The 7-8-9 year olds built their cars, raced them, then raced out the door and into the fall sunshine.



The 5 and 6 year olds built them, raced, rebuilt, raced again, rinse, repeat.


Not all little girls are into dolls, as you can tell.  This future STEM major raced and rebuilt all afternoon:



This kid (and his dad) loved it so much, they went home with a track, too.



You may notice that I have several photos of the cars but none of the two tracks.  Sadly, the tracks did not hold up to the rigors of the racing circuit. (Full disclosure: "sadly" is an understatement.  Each track took over an hour to put together, step by frustrating step, then promptly fell apart each time a child glanced at it from across the room.  Or breathed.)  After repeated efforts to repair the tracks after every race, we finally put a piece of tape on the kitchen floor and used that as our racetrack.  That was the only disappointment of the day.



I made cupcakes and banana and pumpkin breads, served with juice boxes, soda, and red wine. (Note: the half up/half down striped wallpaper in the kitchen - the beige on the wall to the left is glue that needs to be scrubbed off.)



All in all, a great time was had by all.  I enjoyed being able to share the product with friends and was thrilled to have been chosen to host the party.


*Full disclosure time: I was given a free party pack in exchange for hosting the party. I was not asked to write about my experience, nor did I receive any compensation. All opinions expressed herein are entirely my own and not at all swayed by the swag.

Please add to my Christmas list...

Spotted on the street during Paris Fashion Week:

Food, Glorious Food!

QUOTATION OF THE DAY

"I don't need a whole lot to eat, but this month I know I'm not going to buy any meats."

LEON SIMMONS, 63, one of more than 47 million Americans whose food stamp allotment was cut this month.

What do you mean he don't eat no meat?

Tomorrow is Scouting for Food Day.  Do your fellow man a favor and donate food to your local Cub/Boy/Eagle Scout so they can fill up our - or your - local food banks. 

Trying to get my act together

Tomorrow is my first House Party.  It occurred to me last night that I should probably begin making plans for it.  I invited friends weeks ago, so I know I will have a good turnout.  I've seen the Mega Blocks Hot Wheels in the party box and those are going to keep the kids entertained for hours.  Building, racing, taking apart, rebuilding.  The Dynamic Duo is overly excited about it.  I think adding juice boxes and making cupcakes will be all I need to do, no?  Of course, Wayne Manor needs to be cleaned from top to bottom, and I am not looking forward to that.

In a sign of emotional and financial maturity, a Barbie hoarder is having an estate sale and I'm vowing not to go.

 Furthermore, I'm vowing to get rid of all the Barbie stuff that I'm not emotionally attached to (note: NOT THE DREAM HOUSE!!!).  However, I am seriously considering driving 1.5 hours into Maryland to buy wrought iron gates to go with my new-to-me (and recently painted) wrought iron fencing for the backyard.

Of course, we are also really trying to tighten our belts.  But once the fencing is put up in the yard, we need a way to access the garden from the garage.  My legs are long, but I don't want to climb over the fence with a pitchfork in hand.  

I'll Get You, My Pretty

Hanging out with Sir Knightley:

Happy Halloween, Witches!

It's the most wonderful night of the year...
When the neighbors are treating, "Trick or Treat" is repeating, and I'm walking with beeeer
It's the most wonderful night of the year!

I love Halloween, it's the only guilt free holiday.  Trust me, when you have divorced parents you take what you can get.  Halloween was a holiday I could get into.  Dressing up, sugar, alcohol.  Nothing else comes close.

I'm off to do the Time Warp...

Enemy of the State

Seriously, did no one else watch this movie?



I don't understand why everyone is so shocked and surprised by the NSA's actions, it's all spelled out in Enemy of the State.

If you want to get even more old school, check out Sneakers.



Not all of my conspiracy theories have been fed by Hollywood, in fact I have never made it all the way through Conspiracy Theory (sorry Julia, it's a terrible movie).

Pass the Dutchie...

I forgot about Red Ribbon Week, and my kid is the only one at school not wearing a tie.  Maybe.  Rest assured that I will hear all about it tonight.

Also, I made brownies last night.

Seriously, what kind of message am I trying to send my kids?  I should probably just give my permission for them to use drugs and get it over with.

Not to sound paranoid or anything, but...

The NSA is spying on me.  Because I'm fucking awesome.

And if they aren't, eh, their loss.

Happy Friday, Bitches!

No wonder I'm having a mid-career crisis right now.  

So fucking tired of this shit

This is me at work these days, dealing with my 6.5 year old computer:

In other news: the dogs have fleas, I found mouse shit in my silverware drawer this morning, Leo vomited all over the new carpet in my bedroom, and The Spouse is currently not getting paid but working anyway.  Oh, and I'm supposed to be writing a business plan in between the six birthdays we are celebrating in a 16 day period.

I can't wait to go home and clean up mouse shit while herding children to do homework.

Shameful

See these guys running toward the gunfire? They Capitol Police officers and are currently working without pay, thanks to the shutdown.  They have wives and children, mortgages and daycare.  The work round the clock - putting themselves between Members of Congress and crazy people/terrorists - and Congress has the nerve not to pay them.  

The House of Reps had the balls to give them a standing ovation, but not the guts to the hard work of seeking an end to the situation.  Shame on them.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, YOU ASSHOLES. YOU’RE RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE

Even at its most dysfunctional, I love our government.  I love our system.  I love our country.  I could not wait to turn 18 and be able to vote.

I do not love our current Congress, but until people start shooting at each other (ahem) or shutting down the government (ahem, ahem) I think it works pretty much the way it was intended.  Perhaps I'm too American, I have too much pride in our country, but I think we have it a lot better than 98% of the world.

As a woman, I am educated, I can control how many children I have and whom I marry.  I can work outside the home - hell, I can LEAVE THE HOUSE UNATTENDED and DRIVE MY OWN CAR.  I'm not circumcised.  My children attend school free of charge (well, it's paid for by property taxes, but it is still a lot cheaper than private school) and have access to vaccines and medication that keep them healthy.  It's a wonderful thing to be an American, at least it is in my humble opinion.

So, Congress, suck it up.  Compromise.  BOTH sides. Pass some spending bills.  Don't hold the system hostage.  Get over yourselves.  Do your fucking job.

*Title stolen from Jenny, Bloggess extraordinaire.

Happy Government Shut Down, little dude!

I should have named Robin "Cliff" in honor of his birthday that falls on October 1st.

A little bureaucratic humor.

Where Did the Baby Go?

I've been tagging items for an upcoming consignment sale which is not an easy thing to do if one is a sentimental pack rat, such as myself.  I've forced myself to be unemotional and unsparing in my tagging, to get these boxes of stuff out of my basement and into the basement of someone else.  (That doesn't mean I don't have a box or two of things set aside.)  My weakness is footy pajamas.  As I put them on hangers and attach the tags (Priced to sell!), I have flashes of this kid or that in them.

How can I sell the footy pajamas that my babies wore after their baths - when they were sweet smelling, clean, soft, drowsy?  How can The Spouse expect me to say goodbye to those worn, nubby, stained, long outgrown pajamas?  Doesn't he remember me nursing those babies?  Reading them stories? Putting them in their cribs or Big Boy Beds? I see babies with gummy smiles kicking in delight when I find them in their cribs in the morning. I can still see those drunken sailors with potbellies staggering around the living room.

 I hug the pjs close to me, and my arms ache to feel those sturdy chubby babies again or to smell the tops of their sweet baby heads.

When I was a child, I had a Little Golden book entitled, Where Did the Baby Go? The little girls searches her house for the baby in the picture until she finally figures out the answer (spoiler alert: she's the baby, grown up.)

Where did the baby go?

Where did the other one go?

I'm glad they are growing and healthy, and I look forward to watching them grow, but I miss my babies, and I know I will miss my little boys when they are gone.  Why did my childhood last years (especially in junior high pre-algebra class) but their childhoods are going by in the blink of an eye?

Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack

This week has been physically and emotionally exhausting - but hey, the weather has been great!

Monday started with the shooting at the Navy Yard.  After work, I went directly to baseball practice and hugged the snot out of The Spouse.  Then battled Batman to do his homework and eat his dinner.

Tuesday I had a not fun call with the bank, informing me that the loan needed to finance my takeover of Wayne Enterprises was unlikely to be approved.  Great, dreams dashed.  The Money Pit does not have enough equity in it to serve as collateral for the loan.

Wednesday was a pretty amazing day, but still exhausting.  A friend gave us her mother's tickets to see the Washington Nationals play the Atlanta Braves - and included a parking pass.  I met the rest of the family at the stadium where the Dynamic Duo was hard at play on in the play area.  The Spouse and I were so excited that is was $5 beer night.  We considered getting two each! We didn't commit to food - though the kids were begging - until we found our seats and got settled.  We wandered around and finally asked the bouncer at the doors of the super fancy club because we were lost.  Except we weren't, we were in the right place.   The seats were behind home plate and included access to the super fancy club where EVERYTHING WAS FREE!!!  It was Robin's first ever MLB game, and Batman told him over and over again that he would never have seats like this, or waitress service, or free all-you-can-eat food.  Wow.  And the club had private restrooms that never had a line.  Y'all, it was as if I were in Baseball Heaven.  Despite the Nats 2-5 loss, it was the best game I had ever been to.  Ever.  (I wondered if it was worth it to buy fancy tickets, if we would save money on food/drinks/etc.  No, no it wasn't.  We will never have seats like this again.  It was a once in a lifetime experience, but a wonderful family memory.)

After not getting home until 11pm on Wednesday (yes, we are crap parents.  What?  They were GREAT seats!) I had to be at work early on Thursday.  Groan.  But I rallied and made it.  That evening brought about more baseball (Little League this time, Batman's team lost and Robin broke my PNS camera) and another homework battle.  I'm so tired of homework and it's only the third week of school.