Holiday Expectations

A few years ago I had a total breakdown in the middle of my Martha Stewart Christmas.  I was trying to give my family the perfect Christmas and they lapped it up while I lost my mind. In one of my less finer moments, I screamed at The Spouse that I was sick of this shit and not going to do it anymore.

Contrary to magazine articles that say people won't miss things if you downsize your holiday, I knew that my family of assholes would gripe over the shit I wasn't doing. But I was stressed, exhausted, and OVER IT. We started a new tradition.

A couple of weeks before Christmas, everyone gets to choose one thing that they want to do - that without it, it wouldn't feel like Christmas.  This year, The Spouse wanted me to make his mom's bourbon balls, Robin wanted to help me make Christmas cookies, and Batman wanted to watch a movie.  I have two of those three crossed off my list, and just the movie to go.

Of course, that doesn't mean there isn't a house to decorate, tree to get, cards to design, address, and mail and the fucking Elf of the Shelf that is going to kill me in my sleep.  I still do everything I want to do - for me and if the family gets any seasonal joy out of it it's icing on their holiday cake.

Let the Bragging Begin!

Season’s Greetings from Wayne Manor

Dear Friends and Family – 

It’s been a year since we moved into Wayne Manor. We went from living on top of one another in the townhouse to losing each other in the big house. The first week of our move, Robin could not find the bathroom and just last month, he discovered a new room in the house – the laundry room. (Let me assure you, he will become more and more familiar with this room in the coming years.) Some parts of the new house have been truly wonderful while others have the potential to bankrupt us. 

One of the best parts of the new house has been the ability to comfortably have guests. We were blessed to have Jill’s grandmother come out from California to visit the Dynamic Duo. Jill’s dad also visited and took in Little League opening ceremonies and Batman’s first baseball game. We could not get rid of Jill’s mom who has already picked out the room for her hospice care, though, God willing, that won’t be for a very long time. The Spouse’s dad came out to visit as well, and SMIL took Jill to lunch with the First Lady while they were in town (ooh la la! Yes, we both felt very fancy that day!)

The new house has also given Jill the space to bring home junk treasures from estate and yard sales. She refinished furniture and fencing in the garage while The Spouse rolled his eyes and sort of tolerated it. She also found a childhood dream – her own Barbie Dream House! Christmas in August! Her garden was a time consuming failure, but she tells herself that it will be better next year with amended soil and better plant placement. The Spouse worked hard to maintain the pool which the adults hate and the children love. People in Northern Virginia have no business having a private pool. We tell ourselves that it will be worth it when the kids are older…if we can last that long before filling it in.

Despite Jill’s denial, the kids continue to grow. Her babies are now eight and five. Batman fell in love with baseball this year, and Robin tolerated being drug to games and practices and attended his first professional game (with seats behind home plate! Enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime chance, kid.) Robin has been decorating the new house with sharpies and chalk (on the walls and wood floors.) His great grandmother thinks he is quite the artist while his parents argue that he is just a stinker. Sally and Leo are still with us, guarding the house against Vikings and pillagers. The kids are lobbying hard for a puppy because our old dogs are no fun. Eh, puppy breath and potty training are overrated. I’ll take housebroken and boring any day.

We wish you a happy and healthy 2014!

With love,

Jill, The Spouse, Batman, and Robin (Sally and Leo, too!)

#gladimnottheonlyone

I have no time this week, sorry fans.  But I did stumble across this and could have written it, since it expresses my feeling on the whole elf thing, so if you want to read something funny and original, check this out:

People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Over Acheiving Elf on the Shelf Mommies.

I can never remember to move the damn elf!

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition!

I seem to be in working mother holiday hell.  Work and the family come first, obvs, but on top of all that, we are bombared with the holiday season. 

Magazines and Oprah (and the Oprah magazine!) can preach all they want about how we need to cut back and enjoy the holidays.  Ok, but where?  What do we cut?  And how?  I've cut everything back to bare bones.  Laundry and groceries are musts so CPS doesn't drag the children away.  The dogs enjoy being fed and poop has to be cleaned up at least annually.  I triage the crap that has to be done and now I'm supposed to add in the holidays?!? 

Every evening after work this week has been spent shopping, making cookies, cleaning up the mess, doing laundry.  I kid you not, I've been to a store every night this week (different stores for different things/errands) and still had to bake into the wee hours, rotate laundry in between batches, and wipe shit off the dogs' paws because Leo had to poop on the steps when the weather turns cold. (Gwenyth is smirking because she does all this in a single morning and still has time for pilates after she bakes her macrobiotic cookies.)  I'm doing it this week because next week is a killer at work and I know I will be too stressed and exhausted to deal with it then.

No one expects me to be superwoman, least of all me.  I want to make sure that my children have a nice memory and that we start some wonderful traditions.  I want to enjoy the spirit of the season.  I want to drink by the glow of the tree.  I want to do the cookie exchange because I need that time with my friends to chat and unwind and reconnect.  I will do all of this, even if it kills me - which it just might.

And if it doesn't get done, fuck it.  The kids can go to therapy later.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

The holidays are sneaking up on us and Congress is once again giving us its annual holiday treat: a budget showdown. 

Unlike the Showcase Showdown, the budget showdown sucks.  There are no winners, and everyone looks bad in the end.  Some might ask why they don't just cut a deal and leave town.  Elementary, my dear Emma Watson: it would deprive them of the opportunity to sling mud at each other for another month.  Or they don't want to return to their home districts and have to spend time with their families -- the holidays are stressful on family relationships, after all.  (Members of Congress, they're just like US!)

I should consider it a blessing that we don't take the Dynamic Duo on the road over the holidays.  Between the stress and expense of traveling around Christmas, as well as the lack of vacation time due to sick kids, we stay put in the Batcave through the new year.  This allows me to truly celebrate the season of love and joy by working through the holidays. 

Thanks, Congress!

Here's a treat, in honor of the turkeys, lame ducks, and chickens that represent the American public:

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Sort of. Only we call him Walmart.

The Dynamic Duo decided that this year's must-have Christmas gift is the Hot Wheels Wall Tracks starter set. 

I attempted to pick one up in Target when it went on sale on Sunday but found only empty shelves and rainchecks. I tried to e-shop it, just to get it over with, only to discover that every other boy ages 5-9 wants one, too. 

Groan.

They were sold out in site after site, and going for nearly twice the MSRP on ebay and Amazon.  I finally discovered that Walmart was accepting orders and claimed to have it in stock.  I took the leap of faith, paid the MSRP (that hurt, I hate it when I don't get a bargain), and placed the order.

It just arrived.

Way to go, Walmart!  Christmas is saved (as long as those stinkers don't change their minds).

I'm just glad I'm not hunting for a Leappad.  Phew!