Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Mourning in red - appropriate for a red country, no?

Taking a break from my official mourning and wailing to pop in and say hi.  Cold in Pyongyang, but luckily I received a new down coat for Christmas.  Some may feel it's inappropriate to mourn in a red coat, but those fuckers aren't going to say anything aloud unless they would like a winter vacation in a work camp.

I never received an email notification from Best Buy so I went to the store last night.  Lo and behold, they had the games.  Thanks, jerkwads!  On the other hand, it's probably for the best that they didn't arrive before Christmas.  The Dynamic Duo had way too much stuff.  Way too much.  I returned some things in the days leading up to Christmas, donated a haul to Toys for Tots, and put some aside for Easter.  And they still had too much crap.  We are so very lucky.

Gotta run, my turn to wail for the cameras! 

Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Dear Best Buy -

On December 13th, I placed an order for five video games to be delivered to the store for pick up.  I haven't received an email telling me they are in the store.Where are my damn games?

You better not even consider opening a store in Pyongyang if this is how you treat a world leader.


Benevolent Dictator
Future Dear Leader

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Mazel Tav, bitches!

Personally, I think having a bag full of candles is highly practical, especially if you are a PEPCO customer.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Career opportunity of a lifetime!

As if my holidays weren't crazy enough, Kim Jong Il died.  Longtime readers know that the Dear Leader was a dedicated fan of mine.  We dictators have to stick together, since there are so few of us left after the Arab Spring. 

His death also means that I have to get my resume polished since I am sure to be called to interview for the opening.  Kim Jong Un seems like a nice kid, but let's be frank: I am more experienced (ask any of my former interns) and would be a better choice.  I would also let my people eat, which would make me extremely popular.  And I would license "Friends" to be shown on the Korean television channel - and maybe even bring in HBO...I'd need something to watch in the palace.  But let's not get carried away.  I'll start out by letting people eat 1,000 calories a day.  I'm already beloved.

Jill for Supreme Leader

Thursday, December 15, 2011


I have no time this week, sorry fans.  But I did stumble across this and could have written it, since it expresses my feeling on the whole elf thing, so if you want to read something funny and original, check this out:

People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Over Acheiving Elf on the Shelf Mommies.

I can never remember to move the damn elf!

Friday, December 9, 2011

Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition!

I seem to be in working mother holiday hell.  Work and the family come first, obvs, but on top of all that, we are bombared with the holiday season. 

Magazines and Oprah (and the Oprah magazine!) can preach all they want about how we need to cut back and enjoy the holidays.  Ok, but where?  What do we cut?  And how?  I've cut everything back to bare bones.  Laundry and groceries are musts so CPS doesn't drag the children away.  The dogs enjoy being fed and poop has to be cleaned up at least annually.  I triage the crap that has to be done and now I'm supposed to add in the holidays?!? 

Every evening after work this week has been spent shopping, making cookies, cleaning up the mess, doing laundry.  I kid you not, I've been to a store every night this week (different stores for different things/errands) and still had to bake into the wee hours, rotate laundry in between batches, and wipe shit off the dogs' paws because Leo had to poop on the steps when the weather turns cold. (Gwenyth is smirking because she does all this in a single morning and still has time for pilates after she bakes her macrobiotic cookies.)  I'm doing it this week because next week is a killer at work and I know I will be too stressed and exhausted to deal with it then.

No one expects me to be superwoman, least of all me.  I want to make sure that my children have a nice memory and that we start some wonderful traditions.  I want to enjoy the spirit of the season.  I want to drink by the glow of the tree.  I want to do the cookie exchange because I need that time with my friends to chat and unwind and reconnect.  I will do all of this, even if it kills me - which it just might.

And if it doesn't get done, fuck it.  The kids can go to therapy later.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Looking good, Louis!

I'm covering a hearing, and it's going to be a record for the longest hearing I've ever covered.  Started at 9:30 this morning and just called up the third panel of witnesses at 4:50 pm. 

Mostly posting because before I got this job, the only thing I knew about commodities was what I learned from Trading Places.  Apparently, I'm not the only one.  There is an "Eddie Murphy Rule" in Dodd-Frank.  Billy Ray Valentine lives on.

ETA: The hearing gaveled to and end just after 6pm.  My personal record for longest hearing.  Woot!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

We're Vikings, it's an occupational hazard.

I was going to write a post about what a motherfucking shitty commute I had this morning, thanks to rain, bumper to bumper traffic, and a "low air pressure" light while stuck dead in the middle of said traffic.  However, after parking on the side of the 395, inspecting the tires in steady beating rain while wearing a dress and heeled boots, bitching at The Spouse's voice mail about how pissed I am with the Batmobile's tires, and conveying the level of my unhappiness at the dealership's service man, I found the perfect Christmas gift for me while waiting for a verdict:

It's called a Beardhead, and this snazzy company makes them.  How awesome is that?!?  Best of all, you can change out the mustache, in case you are in mood for a fu manchu, mario, or walrus mustache!!!  I seriously think I need one of these to walk the dogs in. 

If that doesn't float your boat, you could always buy me this:

The helmets also come in Viking and Spartan. 

I kinda think I need the Valkyrie helmet. 

I kinda think The Spouse will disagree. 

*Please note that while I have posted pics things I love, I have gotten paid exactly bupkis. However, I would marry this hat and have its babies if Beardhead decided to send me one. There, are you happy FCC?*

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

The holidays are sneaking up on us and Congress is once again giving us its annual holiday treat: a budget showdown. 

Unlike the Showcase Showdown, the budget showdown sucks.  There are no winners, and everyone looks bad in the end.  Some might ask why they don't just cut a deal and leave town.  Elementary, my dear Emma Watson: it would deprive them of the opportunity to sling mud at each other for another month.  Or they don't want to return to their home districts and have to spend time with their families -- the holidays are stressful on family relationships, after all.  (Members of Congress, they're just like US!)

I should consider it a blessing that we don't take the Dynamic Duo on the road over the holidays.  Between the stress and expense of traveling around Christmas, as well as the lack of vacation time due to sick kids, we stay put in the Batcave through the new year.  This allows me to truly celebrate the season of love and joy by working through the holidays. 

Thanks, Congress!

Here's a treat, in honor of the turkeys, lame ducks, and chickens that represent the American public:

Monday, December 5, 2011

My precious!

Apologies to my fans for not posting.  It's hard being a dictator, y'know?  Ok, you probably don't, but I've been a little nervous about being overthrown ever since the Arab Spring.  Trying to lay low for awhile and hope things blow over.  But I had to come in and post this, care of George Takei:

Just something to get you in the holiday shopping spirit!