Friday, January 27, 2012

Celebrate good times, come on!

January 27th is Chocolate Cake Day in the U.S. Did you know that?

Honestly, I don't know why I was expected to come to work today.  Chocolate Cake Day, people!  I should be home, baking, eating, napping, eating some more.  There should be a law.  I'll get right to work on that!

Until then, here is a picture to tide me over until I can make a post-lunch run to the cupcake shop:

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


Here are my impressions of last night's State of the Union:

  • Like that Biden and Boehner are dressed alike. Better than the lavender Boehner wore last year.
  • I wish I had brownies.
  • I'd like to open a small business. Show me the money!
  • Nancy Pelosi did not wear a snuggie, rather appeared to wear a leopard print jacket that turned out to be metallic embroidery.  The snuggie was a good year.
  • Cantor has been secretly replaced by a wax dummy.
  • Lots of color in the crowd tonight. Used to be black, navy, and red. And Nancy's green snuggie.
  • Seriously, why didn't I make brownies? Oh, that's a nice blue on Marcy Kaptur.
  • I'm not watching on the HD tv so not sure what color Boehner is this year. 
  • Why does Sec Ed look like he had a stroke? Is it in bad taste to make stroke references? Too soon?
  • Kid, I don't care if you pooped. Mommy's working.
  • I'm an aspiring entrepreneur who needs financing to grow.
  • This is one of my fave nights of the year. Who says government isn't entertaining?
  • Crisis averted, I have thin mints.
  • Hillary is back to head bands. Don't love them on her. I think even Blair Waldorf would say no.
  • I'm waiting to join WW until post-The Spouse's birthday/Super Bowl. Ten more days to gorge, baby! Do I have to go to meetings?
  • Is it wrong to suggest botox for a few MOC? Its an election year, after all.
  • Now he's shitting on my dream of a big home I can't afford.
  • Woo hoo, ag reference! Lame spilled milk joke. But appreciate the shout out to farmers.
  • Biden looks like he needs a potty break.
  • Go Tom Coburn! I didn't see him. Still working the beard?
  • Ah, Lugar. I'm a fan, but he's an endangered species.
  • Is he getting booed for wanting to ban insider trading?
  • Note: I don't bundle campaign contributions. Or make contributions.
  • Like Hillary's pearls and broach. I was too distracted by the headband to notice an hour ago. Let's bring back broaches.
  • Iran: nanny nanny nanny goat.
  • So far, no catchy "Axis of Evil"-esque sound bite.
  • Michelle Obama stole Marcy's thunder by wearing that same shade of blue.  Better.
  • Queen Sheila has a slightly new 'do.
  • Very solid speech. Of course, I drank the kool aid before he started.
  • Robin's  brilliant analysis of Mitch Daniels, "that man has crazy eyes."
  • ‎My kid is a political prodigy,
  • yes, my three year old is watching the SOTU and Repub rebuttal. Not sure if he can watch the Tea Party's rebuttal to the rebuttal.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!!

Just as thrilling as the NFL playoff games over the weekend are the announcements of the Oscar nominees.

Thrilled to see Melissa McCarthy nominated!  She was brilliant.  Octavia Spencer is the clear favorite, but Melissa can give her a run for her money (Goooo Sookie!!).  (Shailene, you should have taken my advice, but I think you did a good job nonetheless.)

I haven't seen Albert Nobbs - ok, I haven't seen any of the movies from the Best Actress category.  Who am I kidding?  I have seen barely any movies this year.  Bridesmaids, The Descendants, and The Muppets.  That's it, that's what I'm basing my opinions on - but I think Glenn Close deserves and Oscar just because she is amazing. And the 10 second clips that I have seen on E! make me think she should get it.  I like Michelle Williams, but Glenn Close has been nominated six times and never won.  C'mon already!  She isn't Susan Lucci.  Give the woman an Oscar.

Clooney was good, I'm still not talking to Brad, so I think the guy from The Artist will probably win.

I'm so excited for Jonah Hill.

Enough of the fun stuff.  Variety will have to wait to be read until tomorrow.  Today is the State of the Union! I loved this day when I was on the Hill.

ETA: "Man or Muppet," The Muppets; Music and Lyric by Bret McKenzie has been nominated for best song.  It gets our votes.  The Dynamic Duo have been singing it for months.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Bwa ha ha ha!

Newt & Callista Gingrich
Celebrate Reagan's Legacy With Our New Hi Def Documentary. Order Now!

Apparently, my blog is a great place to advertise things celebrating Newt and Calista's love!


I know that pride goes before a fall, but I have prided myself that my marriage has lasted longer than both of Britney's (combined), both of Halle Berry's (combined), Brad and Jen, and Bennifer I (and  Bennifer 2, but that bitch Jennifer Garner is going to outlast our marriage because she just loves to show me up - I digress).  Yes, I compare my marriage to celebrity marriages.


I was so sad today to read that Heidi Klum and Seal have separated.  I know, it's not the end of the world.  I'm not them, so I'm not on the inside and don't know the whole story.  Still, they seemed like they really loved each other and adored their children.

Although, I also read that it was because of his temper.  If that's true, hats off to my girlfriend for not putting up with that shit and protecting her babies.  Heidi, call me.  Let's set up a playdate!

Friday, January 20, 2012

I just booked a stay for us at Great Wolf Lodge over spring break!  The superheroes are going to be so excited!  Two sets of grandparents plan to meet us there, and I hope some cousins can make it as well.  

In "major changes of 2012" news, we are considering selling the Batcave and buying Wayne Manor.  I say "considering" because I'm ready to do it and have mentally/emotionally committed.  The Spouse is still toying with the idea.  But he is still toying with the idea of getting married and having kids.  He'll come around in a decade or two.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

The story in the press today about the soon-to-be-aired interview with Marianne Gingrich (Newt allegedly asked her for an "open marriage" so he could pursue his affair with Callista sans guilt) is fucking awesome!

To me, it illustrates the egos and compartmentalization that many (not all) politicians have.  To think that they can fuck a House staffer, ask their wife for permission, then divorce her when she won't grant it...and give a speech on family values 48 hours later.  Yes, family values.  Newt Gingrich.  The two are practically interchangeable.

If you know me, you know I'm not a Republican. However, this has nothing to do with which political party I associate myself with.  This has more to do with being a complete and total hypocrite.  Hey, what you do in your bedroom is your own business - I don't care and I don't want to know, as long as it's between consenting adults.  However, if you make a contract or take a sacred vow then violate that without your partner's consent, then you are a huge ass.  In my humble opinion, of course.

I cannot wrap my head around the idea that conservative  voters would flock to Newt.  Vote for him, don't vote for him.  I guess I don't care.  Doesn't matter to me.  Unless he gets the nomination.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I spent my evening last night sorting through the toys in the Dynamic Duo's bedrooms.  The Batcave is feeling pretty cramped these days, and it's time to bring some order to the chaos.

Going through a toy box is sort of like opening a Pandora's Box.  I sorted into toys they've outgrown, toys to rotate out/store, and broken crap.  The problem with this system is that each and every toy has pieces that belong to the set that are somewhere in the house.  Before I can send the toys off to consignment, pass on to friends, or donate, I have to find all the mothercuttin' pieces!!

A fool's errand.

Monday, January 16, 2012

My Golden Globes recap

My post about Jessica Biel and her supposed engagement clearly struck a nerve with her, because not only did she appear sans ring (and JT), she also wore some godforsaken semi-bridal what-the-hell-was-she-thinking dress.

The mermaid silhouette was HUGE on the red carpet.  It's not my best look, but I was boycotting this year's event.

I hate, hate, hate to post this.  Hate it, because I'm a hater, but my best dressed was St. Angelina.  Gah.  It kills me! (Note the bitch look on her face as she stares me down.)

Also, some advice to Shailene Woodley:

I have seen The Secret Life of the American Teenager.  It's terrible and no one can act - not even Molly Ringwald, who must have been really hard up for a paycheck.  And why - WHY - do these white kids in "Valley Glen, California" all want to have hair like Kids?

You had a great role in The Descendants, and it could be once in a lifetime role if you sulk and appear to be alternatively bored or pissed off the entire night.  Trust me, it's better to be an Anna Kendrick than a Kristen Stewart.  

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I smell change in the wind...

and dog shit in the basement.  Apparently, Sally couldn't hold it.

I have that nervous jumpy feeling that comes prior to major life changes.  Let's hope 2012 brings some POSITIVE CHANGES (got that universe?  POSITIVE!!) around here.  Not that things are bad around here.  Honestly, we are super blessed and really lucky, but if I'm feeling that change is coming, I would much prefer good happy positive changes.  Wouldn't you?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Noted at Subway

1) Yes, that is one hell of a combover.

2) Yes, it was hard for me not to rip it off his head.  Or say something.  Especially when he brushed his hair over.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Losing Face

  • In an effort to get off my ass and exercise, have some fun, and continue to study something I enjoy, I enrolled in a tap class through the county rec program.  It has been two kids, one career, and 20+ years since my last class but tap was always something I had fun doing and figured what the heck.  It was an excuse to buy new shoes.

    You know the scene from "Center Stage" where Jody takes a class she's never been to before and picks it up in two minutes and makes everyone else look bad?

    Yeah, that didn't happen.

    I was going to sign up for Tap Technique, but my friend, let's call her "Sandy" because that is her name, said that if I signed up for Tap 2, she would take it with me.  The description of Tap Technique clearly stated, "For beginners with no tap experience."  Tap 2 was for those with prior tap experience.  Ok.  My tap is really rusty and I wasn't great in the first place, but I would have a friend to giggle with.

    Of course, Sandy couldn't make it this week so I was on my own.

    I walked in and was greeted with a terse, "Are you Jillian?"

    "Yes, I'm Jill."

    "Jillian, why did you enroll in this class?  Where have you studied?  When?  Under whom?  You should not have enrolled in Tap 2, you should be in Tap Technique." Being greeted with a grilling did not bode well for the rest of the night.  I was further informed that because I did not learn her technique, I need to re-learn tap from the beginning.

    The other students in the class were very nice and welcoming, mostly women in their 60s that have been doing this together for five or so years. Very tight knit group except for one woman there my age, who, coincidentally, has a daughter in Batman's class.

    Tap 2 was not an accurate description.  Tap 47 might have been better.  Those old bitches could tap!  I did my best to keep up, but I did not do the steps the way that they did the steps and now I have to go to the beginner class this weekend. The assistant told me that I will probably be the most advanced in the class and that I should be in the 7pm class because I can always learn.

    I have brought shame and dishonor to my family by being demoted to beginner  class.

Monday, January 9, 2012

So, I almost lost a kid this weekend.

I was going to run our carpet cleaner over to a friends house and planned to take Robin. When we got outside, he threw a fit that he didn't like his shirt. It was a huge deal and he refused to walk to the car so I brought him back in the house, went down to the basement and told The Spouse I was leaving Robin at home.

When I pulled up to my friends house, The Spouse called to tell me that three people just returned Robin. The Spouse went upstairs to check on Robin, found the front door open, and saw Robin walking up the steps with three strangers.  He was found down at the busy intersection, looking for his mommy. The Spouse had no idea he was gone. None. 

In answer The Spouse's question, "Well, no, I didn't see him leave the house or chase after me."  Because I'm a totally neglectful dumbass of a mother who would do that?  Of course, The Spouse didn't ask the people which side of the road he was on, what he was doing, how long he was there, where all the people together or were they strangers to each other united in returning our child?  

Thank God for good people in the world.  Thank God that he wasn't abducted, or didn't wander out into the street.  

Thursday, January 5, 2012

JT + JH = BFFs 4eva (but where does that leave JB?)

Rumor has it that Justin Timberlake finally proposed to Jessica Biel.  I suppose I should be happy for them and wish them the best of luck.  They are, after all, genetically gifted (if you're into the whole eugenics movement). 

She was devoted to him for years and put up with all the rumors about his infidelity (where there's smoke, there's fire.  See: Ashton Kutcher).  In my humble opinion, she came off as a little doormat-y.  I was proud of her for climbing the mountain and doing other things on her own during their break  (why, yes, I do subscribe to US Weekly). I was very leery when it was reported in the media that the two of them had gotten back together.  And now they are (allegedly) engaged.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not a JT hater, not by a long shot.  The man is incredibly talented and I think he would be fun to hang out with.  I would totally do my side-step-white-girl-no-rythym shuffle when we hit the clubs together, I'd join him in a duet of "Dick in a Box" and I'd even pick up the tab at the end of the night.  JT and JH would be BFFs 4eva!  Everything I have read about him makes him seem as if he is a straight up down to earth guy.  But I don't think the man is ready to settle down, certainly not with someone he's dated for that long and taken for granted.

Anyhoo, we don't run in the same circles so I don't have to feel weird about declining an invitation to the wedding. 

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I came into work today with a clear picture of what I needed to do and how I wanted it to look.  After four hours, I'm actually further from that goal than I was at 9am.  So frustrating!  How does this happen?  It's almost a Rick Perry moment, except that I still have the info in my brain, I just can't seem to get it down on paper correctly.

All this brain power has made me hungry.  Off to Five Guys!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

It's not me, it's them.

So, I didn't get the job.

"After careful consideration", North Korea decided to "go in another direction".  Apparently, I'm "not the right fit" for their country.  I have been wished "the best of luck in future endeavors."

To slap me in the face, thousands of North Koreans have declared their allegiance to Kim Jong Un.  Seriously?  His greatest leadership trait is that he looks a lot like his grandfather!!  When did that qualify someone to be a lifelong dictator?



I live on in the hearts of the peasants to whom I promised 1,000 calories a day.